There comes a time in which you find out what you want. A specific moment, lost in the vast connectivity of time, in which your brain finishes processing everything you have seen, smelled, touched, and felt. You don’t know how or when exactly it happened but, finally, through all the years of awkward social interactions and feelings of sudden lust, you have a notion. This notion cradles itself into the deepest part of the your subconscious and becomes a single want that permeates every thought and action for the rest of your life.
I found myself wanting someone, not something. Halfway between the dream world and the physical realm where thoughts become real for a couple of moments, I began picturing someone lying next to me. Someone still sleeping, breathing peacefully. Pillows all round us. I would watch him sleep, as my head lay on his outstretched arm. The smell of his skin was enough cause an everlasting euphoria.
This man looked like no one but like everyone at the same time. A perfect aggregation of every man I have ever seen. A bit of stubble on his face, just a few hairs on his chest, straight brown hair on his head. Perfect.
As time went on, the thoughts grew more intimate and the man became more familiar. Instead of laying on his arm, I would lay on his chest. Sometimes my head would be resting on his abs, my body between his legs. It wasn’t sexual…more intimate, I would say.
The thoughts, occurring right before falling asleep and right before waking up completely, started taking better form. The man now became certain people I had seen in real life. People I found physically attractive.
Before I knew it, I started yearning the comfort of the man of my dreams, literally. He only existed in my dreams, for I know having him in real life is like trying to hold on to the wind.
It is after deep reflection that I decided what I want. I want somebody to take me in him arms and love me. I want somebody that will not lie to me, even when he messes up. I want a man that will take of me and make me his own. Someone I can please and someone who can please. A man who understands my complicated ideals and desires. Who can accept my past and embrace my present.
If you’re still with me, you’re probably wondering why you care what I want. I want people to know that even though I am Catholic, I still have physical wants. I want to share my life with someone and I want to be a part of somebody’s life. Per my previous post, I would love to spend my life with a woman. But even as I write this, it becomes more and more obvious that my level of physically attraction towards women will not make that possible. Marriage, when broken down to its rudimentary building blocks, is about sex. Having a marriage without some semblance of physical attraction is close to impossible. Because of this, I hope I make a decision that not only makes the Big Man Upstairs happy, but also fills me with the happiness I deserve.