This Is When I Knew.

It’s been a while, perhaps 10 years, since I’ve known, or at least questioned.  At first, it didn’t seem such a big deal.  “I’ll get over it,” I thought to myself.  “This is just a phase.”  Well, I don’t know of many phases that span 10 years.  Do you?

At it’s inception, I wavered back and forth; not truly coming to the realization of what I really was.  I think I was too young to do so.

It was a while after I first started to……..pleasure myself (excuse me as this is really difficult to write about) that I began to wonder about members of the same sex.  Even then, I did not want to believe it.  I clearly remember thinking about women, then comes a time of ambiguity.  After that, it has always been men.  It seems as if my brain needed time to…adjust itself; align itself into the state it was supposed to be in.  After all, sexual orientation is not anybody’s fault: a person does not choose to be gay any more than a person chooses to be straight.  I believe, because it happened to me, that after exposure comes realization.

This exposure can come in a myriad of ways and realization can take as much time as it needs to take.  There is no right or wrong way.

Hindsight being 20/20, I think my realization started after I moved to the United States.  This is when my small, rudimentary memories kick in.  I always got along better with girls, and they always seemed to get along with me.  I was criticized and made fun of for having an ‘effeminate’ nature.  I wouldn’t say I’m effeminate, but I’m no guy’s guy, either.  It was in my teens, during High School, nonetheless, that I finally come to a realization of who I was in terms of who I liked.  This is when I became somewhat ‘ok’ with what my brain perceives as attractive.

I have cried too many tears because through it all, I wish I was a ‘normal’ man.  A man with a wife and kids; a man with other male friends; a man that is looked at with a sense of ‘dominance’ and strength.  Well, I do want a wife a kids, more than you could ever imagine, but I know now that my physical attraction will forever restrict me from living the life I want to live.  And you know what,  THAT IS OK.  Ultimately, and I don’t like to preach, I want to live happy and living happy means living with God.

By this point, especially with my last sentence, I have turned off some people, but those that have continued to read are the people I want to reach.  I want people to know that living life as a gay man (this is the first time I have ever said that statement ‘out loud’) is not always easy.  And it takes a bigger person, if not the biggest, to live as a gay person and to live with God.


2 thoughts on “This Is When I Knew.

  1. I wanted to live a life pleasing to god. I wanted a wife and children, to have game nights with neighbors, to hang out with “the guys”, to raise a family in church, etc…

    I dated the same girl all through high school.

    After my first semester or college we got married.

    Two years and three months later she left me (no kids).

    Do I feel bad? Yes and no. I feel bad for marrying someone I wasn’t physically attracted to. I don’t feel bad because I “knew” in my mind I was living a life god wanted me to.

    Now I only know what I want. A man who will love me for me, who will spoon me at night and kiss the back of my neck softly, who will laugh with me, etc…

    For me, this is the only way…


  2. Based on this and your previous comments, you and I are basically the same person. It’s funny because I never imagined there was another person with the same ideals and wants as me. I suppose no one ever does.

    It actually makes me wonder how many people are out there with the same….problem, for lack of a better term. How many gay men, specifically, want a wife and kids, struggle with God, and deem themselves worthy of a life lived alone. God is the most important thing in life, but at the same time, living a life alone is one of the worst things I can imagine. We were not built that way. At what point does living with God balance out living the life you want? I think this is the question circling the minds of everyone who struggle with their sexuality and religion.


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