It’s been a while, perhaps 10 years, since I’ve known, or at least questioned. At first, it didn’t seem such a big deal. “I’ll get over it,” I thought to myself. “This is just a phase.” Well, I don’t know of many phases that span 10 years. Do you?
At it’s inception, I wavered back and forth; not truly coming to the realization of what I really was. I think I was too young to do so.
It was a while after I first started to……..pleasure myself (excuse me as this is really difficult to write about) that I began to wonder about members of the same sex. Even then, I did not want to believe it. I clearly remember thinking about women, then comes a time of ambiguity. After that, it has always been men. It seems as if my brain needed time to…adjust itself; align itself into the state it was supposed to be in. After all, sexual orientation is not anybody’s fault: a person does not choose to be gay any more than a person chooses to be straight. I believe, because it happened to me, that after exposure comes realization.
This exposure can come in a myriad of ways and realization can take as much time as it needs to take. There is no right or wrong way.
Hindsight being 20/20, I think my realization started after I moved to the United States. This is when my small, rudimentary memories kick in. I always got along better with girls, and they always seemed to get along with me. I was criticized and made fun of for having an ‘effeminate’ nature. I wouldn’t say I’m effeminate, but I’m no guy’s guy, either. It was in my teens, during High School, nonetheless, that I finally come to a realization of who I was in terms of who I liked. This is when I became somewhat ‘ok’ with what my brain perceives as attractive.
I have cried too many tears because through it all, I wish I was a ‘normal’ man. A man with a wife and kids; a man with other male friends; a man that is looked at with a sense of ‘dominance’ and strength. Well, I do want a wife a kids, more than you could ever imagine, but I know now that my physical attraction will forever restrict me from living the life I want to live. And you know what, THAT IS OK. Ultimately, and I don’t like to preach, I want to live happy and living happy means living with God.
By this point, especially with my last sentence, I have turned off some people, but those that have continued to read are the people I want to reach. I want people to know that living life as a gay man (this is the first time I have ever said that statement ‘out loud’) is not always easy. And it takes a bigger person, if not the biggest, to live as a gay person and to live with God.