It’s crazy to think one person can forever become engraved in your thoughts from just one look. All it takes is one glance and boom, they live with you for the rest of your life. You began to imagine life with him or her, creating an ambiguous version of a distant world you know you can never live in. Such is the case with me.
It was a summer class and after the first week, everyone seemed to know where their “assigned” seats were. You know how it is in college. Mine was towards the front; luckily enough, so was his. He was blonde, with blue eyes if I remember correctly. Blonde hairs on his arms that were almost invisible unless in the correct light. A slight southern accent seasoned his voice. He was basically perfect. (Now I know it seems contradictory at how my previous post paints a picture of a man with brown hair and brown eyes, but sometimes the mind creates alternate versions of the same person.)
When I say perfect, I don’t mean he had the body of a greek god and he fulfilled my every desire, but he seemed to fulfill every desire that mattered. He seemed like he had a good head on his shoulders. He was able to protect me. Hold me. I found myself wanting him to embrace me in my drunken stupors, not realizing exactly what I was thinking until the morning after.
The thought of knowing someone I can never have makes me want him even more. Not sexually, but as a partner. As someone who will never lie to me. Someone who will kiss me and tell me he loves me after we have a fight.
It’s funny, at how the more I write, the more I picture him as this person. The more I do that, the more I know it can never be. I feel as though I am giving him a life he does not want when I imagine him with me. A life his family does not want him to have: a life with another man.
The version of him I want will only ever exist in my memory. In my thoughts. In those blissful moments between dreams and reality, right before being fully awake. In end, I believe it’s for the best. He will live the life he wants, and I will have to be happy living the life I was supposed to live. The small moments I see him around campus will be moments living with me in my head. Never to brought to a reality again. Never to be perpetuated into a life I had imagined for myself.