This Is Where I Saw him.

It’s crazy to think one person can forever become engraved in your thoughts from just one look.  All it takes is one glance and boom, they live with you for the rest of your life.  You began to imagine life with him or her, creating an ambiguous version of a distant world you know you can never live in.  Such is the case with me.

It was a summer class and after the first week, everyone seemed to know where their “assigned” seats were.  You know how it is in college.  Mine was towards the front; luckily enough, so was his.  He was blonde, with blue eyes if I remember correctly.  Blonde hairs on his arms that were almost invisible unless in the correct light.  A slight southern accent seasoned his voice.  He was basically perfect.  (Now I know it seems contradictory at how my previous post paints a picture of a man with brown hair and brown eyes, but sometimes the mind creates alternate versions of the same person.)

When I say perfect, I don’t mean he had the body of a greek god and he fulfilled my every desire, but he seemed to fulfill every desire that mattered.  He seemed like he had a good head on his shoulders.  He was able to protect me. Hold me.  I found myself wanting him to embrace me in my drunken stupors, not realizing exactly what I was thinking until the morning after.

The thought of knowing someone I can never have makes me want him even more.  Not sexually, but as a partner.  As someone who will never lie to me.  Someone who will kiss me and tell me he loves me after we have a fight.

It’s funny, at how the more I write, the more I picture him as this person.  The more I do that, the more I know it can never be.  I feel as though I am giving him a life he does not want when I imagine him with me.  A life his family does not want him to have: a life with another man.

The version of him I want will only ever exist in my memory.  In my thoughts.  In those blissful moments between dreams and reality, right before being fully awake.  In end, I believe it’s for the best.  He will live the life he wants, and I will have to be happy living the life I was supposed to live.  The small moments I see him around campus will be moments living with me in my head.  Never to brought to a reality again.  Never to be perpetuated into a life I had imagined for myself.

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4 thoughts on “This Is Where I Saw him.

  1. A little over eight months ago I was “gay” but not participating in “homosexual acts” because of my religious views. I would not have had the strength to fight the temptations had I been writing what you write. You are a very strong individual. Yesterday I celebrated 8 months with my boyfriend. The night of our first date I gave up my old views and gave in to my temptations… I was miserable the old way. And I am so happy now. I know it isn’t for everyone, and I’m not telling you to try and convince you to give in. I just wanted to say, like earlier, how strong you are. Ultimately, we all have to do what is right for us. For me, I chose being happy. I hope you are experiencing happiness every day as well.

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  2. Trust me, I want what you have more than you know. I made a promise to myself and to God that I would never be sexually intimate with another man. However, within the past year I have unconsciously done a lot of self evaluation and discovery (I sound cliché right now, I know). Surprisingly (pshh, yeah right), I found I am unhappy. I have always told myself that I am prepared and ok with the idea that I will be alone for the rest of my life, but a human being’s inherent need for affection is insurmountable.

    I also do not want to make the impression that I am a strong person. Yes, I have been able to resist the temptation to go out and find someone to have sex with, but that so far from my personality that I barely have to do anything to resist the temptation. I sit here writing this reply having recovered from a very dark place in my life so many years ago. Although I have not sinned like I have in the past, I give into temptation so much in my present life that I refuse to call myself a strong person.

    As a final note, the question of being happy is very difficult for me. I am supposed to be happy living a celibate life because it pleases God, but I am not. I want to share a life with somebody and I do not see myself doing that with a woman. So has the devil taken ahold of me or is my insatiable need for affection from another man just a natural occurrence consistent with the way God has made me?

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  3. A year ago I would have said three things about myself:
    1) I will be forever alone. I can not marry because I am attracted to men.
    2) The only thing I want in life is happiness, and a family.
    3) Not giving in is making me stronger and will pay off in the end.

    I never found god though. I prayed and sought after him for nearly a decade. I cried myself to sleep every night for years because I couldn’t feel his presence in my life. I gave up a lot of things in order to search and know him more. I lived the life I was supposed to live according to his word.

    But he never showed up.

    I never once heard his voice, never once felt his presence, and never once felt any type of connection.

    So I decided I was going to find a boyfriend. I’ve never been happier in my entire life. There is no more weight on my chest, no more depression, no more crying myself to sleep, no more feeling guilty for being attracted to a man I see, no more sitting in the church parking lot begging the lord to let me know he is with me before I went home for the evening, etc…

    I am free. I am me. I am happy. I am gay.

    I feel if god wants the people on this Earth to follow him, he would have came in to my heart sometime during the decade I sought after him.

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  4. I am not one for preaching in any capacity, but it sounds to me that you were looking for something too big. God does not appear in dramatic ways and he most certainly does not appear simply because you ask him to. We are taught not to tempt or test God. This is not to say that this is what you were doing, but it is similar. It is my understanding you were asking for some sort of evidence or proof that He was with you. Believe me when I tell you that He was; 100%. God NEVER leaves you, no matter how empty you feel inside.

    When searching and praying to God, the more strongly will the devil attempt to enter your life. People that do not believe in God live without worry and the constant battle because the devil does not have to try; he has already won. I pray that you never stop trying to follow God. At the very least, never stop believing in Him. Perhaps, after all this time, He was the one to bring you and your boyfriend together. Perhaps it took 10 years for His plan to come to fruition. I hope this is the case. I do not want you to feel attacked or insulted by my words but I feel it is my duty to tell you never stop looking for God. That, in and of itself, is enough to please Him.

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