This post is being written with an inspiration stemming from a dark place. A place that I unwillingly and unknowningly retreat to periodically. A hole so deep and abstract in my mind, it is sometimes impossible climb my way out. Up until about a year ago, I was unable to describe this place using syntax and diction.
I don’t know if you have ever experienced a thought that is unable to be made concrete. An emotion that permeates every fiber of your being, and yet, is unable to form itself into a simple sentence. It is one of the most cruel tricks of the human psyche. Like being stuck inside yourself with no way out.
Thank you to the genius of Donna Tartt, my thoughts and emotions were FINALLY able to be expressed. If you haven’t had the chance to read The Goldfinch, I highly encourage you to do so. It is a book so realistic, yet so intangible, it provokes the mind in ways I never thought possible.
I will not ruin it for you, but in the book, the main character, Theo, states this very simple thought, “…better never born, than born into this cesspool.” I don’t know how she did it, how she was able to put these words together so perfectly. The word cesspool is a bit strong to describe this mosaic of a world we live in, but once you read the book, it makes sense as to why Theo uses it.
In it’s rudimentary meaning, I share Theo’s thought down to the letter. I love my life and I thank God every single freaking day for it, but if I am speaking as a simple human, with no other connections to this world other than myself, yes, it would have been so much better not to have been born at all. To not have been born at all, to have remained a figment in the imagination of God would have been so much better than living a tumultuous life. Gosh, this sounds really fucking selfish and ungrateful.
I understand if the mere mention of this thought puts some people off, as I expect those without regrets have been just that. But, I have regrets. Regrets that, although I know God has forgiven me for, still have a place in this physical world.
I have learned to leave them in the past, as history is literally just a story we tell ourselves, but in times like this they reemerge and the demons of the past visit me; making their presence an indelible part of my day.
After reading about some of the troubles people are going through, like The Plus Side of Life (excellent writing, highly recommended), it really puts my own troubles in perspective. Reading different blogs online was one of the factors that led me to realize there are SO MANY bigger problems in the world then the daily ones we face. I highly suggest reading a little in order to put your problems into perspective, something that writing this post has helped me to do.