I want to have sex so badly. All these years of watching other people has put expectations in my head that go untested. Is it that good, or isn’t it? I know, in reality, that sex in real life is nothing like what you see in the movies or on the internet (well, maybe for some people). But is it so wrong to dream?
What stops me is fear. Fear of disease. Fear of rejection. Fear of my own body. Ultimately, fear of hell.
I know, you’re probably thinking, “What the hell?” (No pun intended). Although I have never had sex before, I have a pretty good idea that I want to do so with another guy. Barring anal, I think I would honestly enjoy it. But then God inserts himself in my head and I realize that I can’t. I am forbidden from one of best pleasures humans can experience. And that sucks. Really bad: not being to ever be intimate with someone.
Now, this is not to say that everyone who engages in homosexual acts goes to hell, I am DEFINITELY not in the position to judge. However, everyone has their own interpretation of the bible and I believe I should live a life that is devoted to God and that means not having sex with, well, the same sex.
But then again, I am human. I love God and everything he has done for me, but I hate that I was made to be this way. Perhaps I should actually feel lucky that I was made this way because maybe God knew I was strong enough to resist the temptation.
Back to my fears, I am one of those people that would have trouble trusting a sexual partner. Mainly because people forego safety to receive pleasure and that is scary. I know, I know: no sex without safe sex. But at the same time, there’s no point. If I cannot trust someone enough to fully give myself to them, there’s no point.
Perhaps my thoughts and expectations and fears are completely off base, but perhaps they aren’t. How will I ever find out?