Amazement and Worthlessness

Happy New Year to all!  I’m sure everyone had a good holiday season and were able to spend time with their families and friends (I’m pretty sure this sentence is constructed correctly, but I’m not sure of the correct verb usage).

I, myself, had a whirlwind of a vacation.  So much so that I don’t even call it vacation anymore.  If you’ve been keeping up with my writing, you know that Spain played host to my presence (that sounds…self-centered, I guess is the word).  As a brief synopsis, I visited Madrid, Barcelona, and Asturias before visiting Paris for three days.  Yes, I was lucky enough to visit the City of Lights.  In retrospect, I didn’t think it was anything that special at the time, but hindsight being 20/20… it was pretty spectacular.  The architecture and monuments were exactly what movies portray them as: intimate structures emanating a sense of grandiosity that leaves you staring at them for minutes at a time.

Second night in Paris

Because I visited so many places, I was exhausted and anxious to go home.  I spent this weekend relaxing and preparing for my final semester of college.  Finally, right?! It only took me five years.



As I embark on the final leg of this journey, a sense of amazement and worthlessness dawns upon me.  These two emotions come hand in hand, surprisingly so; the former causes the latter.  I have worked tirelessly over the past four and half year, but because of that, I haven’t lived.

There has been no one for me to love.  No one for me to share my experiences with.  Yes, I have really close friends, but it doesn’t compare, I don’t think.  The lack of experiences I’ve had gives me sense of worthlessness.  It’s not so much that I devalue myself as a person, but it’s more of a, “what I have done, really?”  Everything that I’ve done has been for me, for my own personal advancement.  Yes, I’ve given to good causes and I’ve helped others, but there has never been one person that I consistently put before myself.

Isn’t that what love is?



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