One of the perks of being alone, most of the time, is just that: you have a lot of time to yourself. How you choose to spend that time determines how productive you are; whether or not you make a change in the world.
My time is split between a couple of things: I draw, think, listen to music, and yes, give into temptation.
I’ve written about it the before, but recently I’ve been thinking about it a lot: how much I’ve changed.
My teenage years were tumultuous, much like everyone else’s. Not so much so because I had to find who I was or whatever that’s about, but because I lived in darkness. For about a year and half (not really sure of the time frame, actually. It was probably a lot more than that) I went to drastic lengths to feel wanted.
I exposed myself to strangers. Not so much so that they would be able to point me out in public, but just enough to have a moment of intimacy with someone else. For a time, it felt good. I was wanted for the first time in my life.
Now that I think about it, years went on before something happened to scared me to death. Through one thing or another, I thought someone had found me. That was when I stopped. Cold turkey. I couldn’t put myself and my family at risk. The multitude of consequences rushed through my head. For weeks, I lived in fear.
The fear, however, served a greater purpose that I now understand: it forced me to stop. From that day on, I have not sought an intimate moment with anyone on the internet. My life basically turned around in the best possible way.
I’m writing about this for the first time because I think it’s important to let others know that once you change, truly and honestly change, you literally become another person. The person you used to be ceases to exist. Yes, the past still exists, but only in your head. If you take the story you keep telling yourself and use it as a reminder of what NOT to do, it becomes that much easier to live as a new person.
So as I was lying down the other day, I thought of my past. Not negatively, per se, but as point of reference, I suppose. The person that looked to the internet for moments of intimacy did not exist anymore. It was a lifetime ago. I never understood this mind boggling concept, but it’s something you need to experience firsthand.
P.S. I hope this hasn’t changed how anyone perceives me, but if it has, I apologize. I only wrote this as closure for myself and as a lesson to those who want to change, but are still looking for that final push to do so.