“You know I’m not like Dustin, right.”
The sentence that changed my friendship……just not in the way I expected.
Essentially, I came out to my best friend and his girlfriend. I was wasted drunk, but I also knew what I was doing. This was something I had been wanted to do for quite some time. This just isn’t exactly how I had envisioned it.
“Yes, I know,” Krista replied.
We ended up going back to the party as my best friend left with someone else’s phone and once there he was asked to help clean up just a bit, leaving Krista and myself in the car. She said, “just say it. There’s NOTHING you can say that would change our friendship. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.”
“The thing is, how do you know? You know? I can’t say it because I don’t want to be it.”
One thing led to another and the conversation was unavoidable. My best friend came back and he sensed the deafening silence in the air.
For those that don’t know me, which is basically everyone reading, I never wanted to tell my best friend because I didn’t want our relationship to change. Not because he’s homophobic, which he isn’t, but because I didn’t want him to tiptoe around my feelings and not say certain things or stop making comments about attractive girls that caught our eyes. (Although I’m gay, people, I still know when a girl is attractive or not.)
I don’t remember much about the rest of the day and the day after we didn’t talk about it whatsoever.
Essentially, this was the weekend I came out to my best friend. Something I never thought I would be able to do. I don’t think I would ever want to actually tell others about my sexuality because once I do, it becomes real. There’s no more escaping it. The only way I know how to live is by keeping everything to myself and letting others form their own opinions about me and who I am. It’s been working well so far. I don’t know how to live with it being so blatantly out in the open. Dustin and I still talk every day, as he assured me he doesn’t give a fuck about how I am. But every day I am learning how to live with my best friend knowing who I actually am.
It’s scary…..living in the honesty, isn’t it?