10 Months Later…

Wow.  I haven’t written on here in 10 months.  10 months.

 

That’s 10 months of sadness, happinesss, depression, meeting new people, and a new job.  It’s almost daunting to approach explaining everything to whomever is still following me.  (Was the the correct form of “whom”?  Let’s just assume it is.)

So, long story short:

I moved to a completely new city on my own.  My best friend still lives here, sure, but I moved here for my first professional job and rented my first apartment.  (I’m moving out in about 4 days, but that’s another story for another time.)

Currently, I have 2 applications left to finish for PA school.  For those that don’t know, PA school is physician assistant school.  So, 8 done and 2 left to go.  It’s been expensive and I couldn’t have done it without my parents, but I am also applying for them.  I owe them something in my life.  So this is for them.

That actually wasn’t so hard.  I’m missing so many things, but this has been my past year or so in a nutshell.  Hopefully, I’m able and willing to keep writing on here as it provides a sense of catharsis at worst.

I hope everyone is doing well and I can’t wait to get back to reading what everyone else has been up to.

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Bro Time (Day 3)

So this post is long overdue, but I’ve been taking a lot of road trips with my time off.

 

After waiting the entire day for him to get off work he finally messaged me.  He asked how I was doing and a replied by saying that everything was fine.  My day was super chill.

Then the truth bomb fall.  He wrote paragraph, essentially explaining that he had made a mistake and that he shouldn’t have taken it that far.  He felt like he had taken advantage of me and that, as the older person, he should have known better.  I immediately stopped to him to remind him that I was a fully consenting adult and I initiated the entire “relationship” I had with him thus far.

He continued to say that if his 23 year old daughter was seeing a 50 year old man, he would be livid.  I mentioned that I didn’t see it that way.  She would be a fully consenting adult aware that whatever the man’s intentions were, she is deciding to proceed with what the relationship led to.  After this, he explained that I was young and that I needed someone my own age in order to learn about sex and date.  Of course, he was right, but I our relationship, if you could call it that, was simple messages.  Nothing more.

As a person that was divorced with a child, he stated that since it was a long time since he “had gotten pussy” I had caught him a vulnerable moment.

In essence, I wanted him to know that he never once took advantage of him and that he shouldn’t feel bad whatsoever.  We were both adults and I knew what I was getting into.  Again ,we had only messaged over this application.  After we exchanged some words, he said that he was looking for someone that lived closer and simply was looking for sex.  I respect that.  He knew full well that although I wanted to pleasure him, I had enough willpower to control myself.  He ended up saying that we should take three weeks to find what we were looking for.  No contact for three weeks.

I agreed as I was up for anything (remember this is my first time talking to other guys).  Other than a couple of “how are you’s” and “hello’s”, we haven’t spoken.

But this Monday will be the three week deadline.

So what’s in store, I wonder as I sit on this metal chair with my phone on one side and a makeshift sangria on the other.

This Is A First.

I went on my first date ever.  Period.  My first date.

 

We matched on Tinder.  I messaged him stating that I loved exploring new beer/food places and he replied with, “Let’s do it!”  He mentioned his favorite BBQ place and I asked him if he’s ever tried a certain chain popular in Orlando.  When he mentioned he hadn’t, I knew it was going to host our first date.  Over four grueling days of waiting for him to reply early in the morning and late at night, we finally made plans.  He lives about 45 minutes away, but that didn’t stop him.

I got to the restaurant about 30 minutes earlier because of who I am as a person.  I sat there for 20 minutes listening to music and telling myself that I was just meeting another friend.  In addition, the thought of who was going to pay for lunch revolved around my head.

About ten minutes prior to the arranged meeting time, I entered the restaurant, picked a seat isolated from the masses and messaged him where I was sitting.  He was punctual: a very good sign.  He looked a lot better than he did on his profile (I chalk it up to the fact that he is 6 years older than I am and he doesn’t seem to be shallow enough to base interest solely on appearance).

After some explanation of what was good on the menu, I paid for our meal and we sat down.  We spoke about what he did and what I did.  What brought him down south and how he’s struggling with renovations at his new condo.  After interesting small talk and a quick lunch, he asked if I wanted anything from the bakery.  We walked over and after some thought he picked out what he wanted, as did I.  He paid.

We ate and spoke about traveling the world and where we’ve been.  I sounded like an idiot at one point, but hey, we can’t sound smart all the time, right?

I asked if he wanted a beer, to which he agreed.  We hopped in my car and drove around to find a bar that was open.  (At this point, I’m low-key freaking out.  There’s a man, who I like, in my car.  We are both out, at least to each other, and both looking for someone.  Whether he was genuinely attracted to me is yet to be discovered.)  Following about 5 minutes of driving around, I picked the popular bar as it was the only one open.

It was pretty empty.  A row of college guys at the bar and a random couple here and there.  Perfect.  We ordered our beers and kept talking.  He seemed to dominate the conversation a little bit, but I didn’t mind.  I won’t bore you guys with the details of conversation as it was nothing out of this world.

When the waitress came to ask if the bill should be separate or together, he answered, “Together.”   (A guy that I like is buying me a beer.  WTF.  Is this real life right now?  This doesn’t happen to me.)

We got back in my car and I drove him to his.  Before he got out, I asked, “Should we exchange numbers?”

“Sure,” he replied.  He put his number in and I called him.  Saved.

We bid our farewells and I thanked him.  He left and got in his car.

 

—–Cut to 4 hours later—–

 

“Hey, thanks for the lunch date today.  I really enjoyed your company.  Perhaps we can do it again sometime soon?” I texted him.

“Tonight?” he replied.

Whoa, whoa.  What?  Ok, one of three options here:  Either he is a creep, wants to fuck me right now, or literally can’t wait to see me again.

I texted my best friend and his girlfriend and they assured me that it was fine if I saw him again in the same day.  I didn’t feel to comfortable, however.  He seemed like a perfectly nice guy and I did do my research on Facebook and the like, but it was going too quick.  Right?

“Haha, probably not tonight.  I have other plans.  Are you free later this week?”

“I never charge,” he wrote back.  So he has a sense of humor.  No matter how bad, LMFAO.

“Well, let me put it this way: are you available later this week?”

“I’m free tomorrow, Wednesday, and Friday after 4.”

“What about tomorrow?  I have the internet/tv being hooked up.  We could hang out at my house and then grab dinner after?”

Is this safe?  I know he showed me where he lived in comparison to his job and pictures of his apartment in order to explain what he was doing in his renovations, but what this too much?  To go over.  I really like him, but I don’t want to get hurt.  Physically, I mean.  I don’t know him.

“I’m not sure about dinner.  But I think down with hanging out.”

At this point he said that was perfect and he sent me his address.

“Can I ask you a question,” I wrote.

“What,” he replied curtly.

“It’s not a question, per se, but I just wanted to let you know that this is my first time dating, ever.  It’s not that I have trust issues, but I just want there to be complete honesty in any relationship I’m in  Is that something we can both commit to?” I wrote hesitantly.

In a second message I continued, “this is not under the pretense that either of us have lied, but we do barely know each other.”  emoji, emoji, emoji.

“Haven’t lied yet,” he replied.

He always responded in a forthwith manner.  But that is a little bit of a weird response, right?  Is he planning on lying or is he trying to make a little joke?  From my two hours with him, he seemed a bit socially inept.  Not the kind that raises any flags whatsoever, but a really chill person who sort of comes off as awkward at times.  Makes those jokes that go past everyone’s head.  I can deal with that.

After explaining that I thought he was an honest person I realized I seemed crazy for asking that question.  It was too soon.  I asked what time I should be over if he still wanted me to.  He replied with four in the afternoon.

The family member I live with doesn’t know about this part of my life, but I managed to tell a little white lie giving me enough time to get back home from a 40 minute drive.  Come tomorrow, I may just text him and ask him if we can just meet for dinner.

This whole thing might be moving too fast.  Is it?  Or is it just me?  I did a little more research and found a video project he did for his Masters degree.  So he’s not lying about his name or his life.  He really does seem like an honest person.  Am I being irrational?

 

P.S.  My best friends know exactly where I will be and his information just to be safe. Don’t think I’m being completely careless about this whole situation.

 

Bro Time (Day 2)

So this is Day 2 of my first online relationship.  There’s a hesitation calling it an online relationship but it’s the first time someone I was interested in knew everything about me; how inexperienced I am, what I do and do not like.  It was refreshing to be so honest.  If you haven’t read Day 1, you can read it here.

 

Before I had even woken up, he sent me a message, “You see, I told you I wouldn’t leave!” It was nice to know that he actually kept his work, no matter how small the action was.  It means more in a way.  It means that he actually cared enough to follow through.

It was then that I told him I regretted what happened last night.  I mentioned that we had been talking for hours and we were so honest with each other that it seemed ok at the time.  But a lot of things seem ok when you’re horny, don’t they?  You think irrationally and your id kicks in.  That primal portion of your brain that focuses only on satisfying your needs stifles your subconscious.

To my surprise, he said he felt the same way and was happy that I was the first one to mention something.  He had always mentioned that I seemed more mature than your average horny 23 year old guy.  And he liked it.  Upon mutual agreement, we decided not to do it again until we knew each better.

We continued to speak about our plans for the day.  He mentioned that his daughter’s dog wasn’t doing so well the day before but he was going to relax by the pool for the day.  Perhaps go for a swim.  Since his profile picture shows him in sunglasses, I asked for a picture of his showing his eyes.  He said that it was a fair request and that he would take a poolside picture.

A couple of hours passed and nothing.

Finally, I received a notification.  I swiped on the notification, unlocked my phone, and opened up the app within seconds.  The picture he sent sort of changed my expectation of what he really looked like but he wasn’t bad looking at all.  He mentioned that it my be an awkward picture due to his lack of selfie experience.  To be honest, it showed.  The picture seemed like he was trying too hard.

After some small talk, he mentioned that he was low on battery (not surprisingly as he mentioned he took more than 10 selfies trying to get the right one) and that he had to go.  But he assured me that he would message me in the evening.

I made plans that night.  I called up my two friends and invited them to trivia.  They both had work the next day but since we hadn’t seen each other in weeks, they were both more than happy to join me.

As I was getting ready, he messaged me.  “Hi,” he said.

“Hey, what’s going on?”

“Nothing much, just relaxing.  Have to be up early tomorrow so I’m already home and ready for bed.  Just gonna watch some TV.”

“Oh ok.  Listen, it’s not that I don’t want to talk but I am going out tonight.  And since my friends don’t about all this, I won’t be able to respond.  Is that ok?”

“No problem.  I had a lot to deal with this weekend as my daughter’s dog still isn’t doing well so I’m gonna turn in.  It works out perfectly.  Have fun tonite.  Nite.”

 

End of Day 2

Bro Time (Day 1)

So the past couple of weeks have been a little bit of a whirlwind.  I graduated EMT school, got certified, and am in the middle of about 20-30 job applications.  On top of that, I went on a couple of road trips and went of vacation with my family.

On top of that, I decided to join a couple of dating apps.  Well, all of the dating apps.  Scruff, DaddyHunt, Tinder, Surge, and Bro, among other lesser known ones.  This story originated on Bro, an app that still perplexes me to this day.  I’m not sure if it’s for dating or just finding bros to chill with, but whatever.

The weird thing about dating apps is that once you match, no one talks to you.  You message them or poke them or fist bump them, whatever the action is for that particular app, and no one replies.  Until someone did.

He was an older gentleman, 53 years old.  His profile picture wasn’t anything sexy or explicit; just him sitting down taking a selfie.  He had that typical american daddy look to him.  I was in love.

So I “fist bumped” him.

And he replied, “Hi.  I received your fist bump.  What’s up?”

Wait, what?  Someone actually likes me?

We introduced ourselves.  He mentioned that he was a father and divorcee from many years ago.  He was honest enough to mention that he spoken to two other guys on the app but they did a complete 180 and started to ignore him.  I told him I’m not really that kind of person.  We are on a dating/social app for a reason.

I got the vibe that he wasn’t a psycho or anything so I told him that I was a virgin and haven’t even been kissed before.  He said that was ok as he had his own baggage as he explained.  Right off the bat he asked if the age difference was going to be problem.  I assured him that it wasn’t.   This conversation was really new and I had no idea where it was going but that I liked older men as much, if not more, than I like people my own age.

 

We started chatting at around 2:30 pm.  Before I realized it, it was midnight.  We were still chatting.   There was not one moment of awkward silence.  We conversed about what we did and what our interests were.  The both of us agreed that we were going to be 100% honest.  I’ve never experienced anything like this, let alone someone who accepted me for everything I brought to the table.

(I’m gonna warn any sensitive readers that it’s going to get a little NSFW)

 

It was 1 in the morning and he messages, “I’m not gonna lie, I need to jerk off before going to bed.  I haven’t sex in years and it’s the only way I get off.”

I was rock solid.

Since neither one of us had ever been with a man, he asked me what I would and wouldn’t do.  I replied by telling him my dislikes, or what I imagine are my dislikes.  I decided to mention what he expected of me down there.  He said, “Let’s just get this out of the way.  I am really hung.  I have a 7inch girth that some women find uncomfortable.  Do I expect you to have the same?  No.”

This only made me hard. Fuck.

Then I asked, “Ask me what I do like.”

He obliged.

“What I’d like is to go down on you.  Have you lay down and relax while I do all the work.”

He told me he was hard and started to jerk off.  His messages came through noticeable slower as he was typing with only one hand.  There was so much sexual tension even though we were both diffusing it.

I asked him if he likes to use spit when he rubs one out and he said yes.  He loved it.  I told him I wished I was there to help him out.  Well, not so much help as do everything for him.  He wouldn’t have to move a muscle.  A couple of seconds passed before he asked if I wanted to see his hard on.  I answered I would be fine with it if he was.

And there it was.

I couldn’t control myself.

He stopped messaging.  I asked him if was there.

“Yeah, just cleaning up. ;)”

After I had finished we decided it was time to go to bed. It was after 2 at this point.  And, honestly, I was exhausted from being up to late.

I asked him if he was going to be one of those people that I never hear from again, but he said he would message me as soon as he woke up the next morning.

Well, I suppose only time will tell!

Danger

After just one day, you have a hold in my head

I want you here with me, but you’re gone instead

How could I be such a fool, to fall in love with a stranger

I tame my mind, but all that lurks is a danger

 

A danger to think

A danger to touch

A danger to drink

A danger too much

 

I love you so much, if only you knew

That my heart beats for you, and only for you

Heliocentric around you, but I go unnoticed

I saw you more than one time, but you were too focused

On life, on love, but I wasn’t your type

I wish I could change her,

but there’s just too much danger

 

A danger to think

A danger to touch

A danger to drink

A danger too much

 

Apart from that one day we’ve never spoken

Since that one day I’ve been heartbroken

My heart it longs for a life another

But I’m not your type, so why do I bother

For there you are, right across the hall

I scream out your name my voice, it falls

Into a silence that will not waiver

Since that one day, I’ve lived in danger

 

A danger to think

A danger to touch

A danger to drink

A danger too much

He came back.

The person I fell in love with found his way inside my head…again.  I can’t stand it.  I hate waking up and the first thing I think about is him.  I feel myself lying next to him as he sleeps, breathing slowly.  His tan skin is unblemished, perfect all throughout.  He looks as if he is meant to be exactly where he is.  All I do is watch him sleep.  Knowing that in a couple of minutes I am going to get up and make him breakfast and brew his coffee.  After which, I will bring it all to him in bed for he deserves nothing less.

But instead I know that in a couple of minutes, I will get up and the picture perfect morning will become but a distant memory created by my head.  I would say it isn’t fair, but I have to focus on what I have instead of what I don’t.

 

At least that’s what they say.