10 Months Later…

Wow.  I haven’t written on here in 10 months.  10 months.

 

That’s 10 months of sadness, happinesss, depression, meeting new people, and a new job.  It’s almost daunting to approach explaining everything to whomever is still following me.  (Was the the correct form of “whom”?  Let’s just assume it is.)

So, long story short:

I moved to a completely new city on my own.  My best friend still lives here, sure, but I moved here for my first professional job and rented my first apartment.  (I’m moving out in about 4 days, but that’s another story for another time.)

Currently, I have 2 applications left to finish for PA school.  For those that don’t know, PA school is physician assistant school.  So, 8 done and 2 left to go.  It’s been expensive and I couldn’t have done it without my parents, but I am also applying for them.  I owe them something in my life.  So this is for them.

That actually wasn’t so hard.  I’m missing so many things, but this has been my past year or so in a nutshell.  Hopefully, I’m able and willing to keep writing on here as it provides a sense of catharsis at worst.

I hope everyone is doing well and I can’t wait to get back to reading what everyone else has been up to.

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I am lonely and I am sad. 

I am tired.  

I’m stuck between wanting to do something and not wanting to do something. 

Why can’t someone love me? 

Why was I made with a smart, but damaged mind?  

Everyone has a thing they have to learn to deal with.   Is this mine?  To be stuck in an eternity of crazy?  

I’ve been gone

It’s been a while since I last posted….well, not including yesterday’s post.

I have to say that I miss writing down my thoughts, feelings, experiences, etc.  Like I mentioned before, it’s magical to have a thought (which is essentially electrical impulses in your brain) and transcribe them into physical words that then get sent to space for the entire world to see.

The fact that I have anonymity on here allows me to be honest and it’s comical that humans are only honest when they are hidden from the rest of the world.

Why is that???

Because of fear.  Fear that others will look at them differently.  Fear that they will be judged for the actions of the past.  Fear that they will be ostracized from society.

Who gives a fuck?

 

Oops – Part 2

“You know I’m not like Dustin, right.”

 

The sentence that changed my friendship……just not in the way I expected.

 

Essentially, I came out to my best friend and his girlfriend.  I was wasted drunk, but I also knew what I was doing.  This was something I had been wanted to do for quite some time.  This just isn’t exactly how I had envisioned it.

“Yes, I know,” Krista replied.

We ended up going back to the party as my best friend left with someone else’s phone and once there he was asked to help clean up just a bit, leaving Krista and myself in the car.  She said, “just say it.  There’s NOTHING you can say that would change our friendship.  ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.”

“The thing is, how do you know?  You know?  I can’t say it because I don’t want to be it.”

One thing led to another and the conversation was unavoidable.  My best friend came back and he sensed the deafening silence in the air.

For those that don’t know me, which is basically everyone reading, I never wanted to tell my best friend because I didn’t want our relationship to change.  Not because he’s homophobic, which he isn’t, but because I didn’t want him to tiptoe around my feelings and not say certain things or stop making comments about attractive girls that caught our eyes.  (Although I’m gay, people, I still know when a girl is attractive or not.)

I don’t remember much about the rest of the day and the day after we didn’t talk about it whatsoever.

 

Essentially, this was the weekend I came out to my best friend.  Something I never thought I would be able to do.  I don’t think I would ever want to actually tell others about my sexuality because once I do, it becomes real.  There’s no more escaping it.  The only way I know how to live is by keeping everything to myself and letting others form their own opinions about me and who I am.  It’s been working well so far.  I don’t know how to live with it being so blatantly out in the open.  Dustin and I still talk every day, as he assured me he doesn’t give a fuck about how I am.  But every day I am learning how to live with my best friend knowing who I actually am.

It’s scary…..living in the honesty, isn’t it?