I am lonely and I am sad. 

I am tired.  

I’m stuck between wanting to do something and not wanting to do something. 

Why can’t someone love me? 

Why was I made with a smart, but damaged mind?  

Everyone has a thing they have to learn to deal with.   Is this mine?  To be stuck in an eternity of crazy?  

Another Chapter Closes

This Tuesday it my last day of EMT school.  I remember the first day we started and everything in the middle is somewhat of a blur.  Unsurprisingly as classes are 5 hours long.

I have been studying for final, although not as hard I usually do as the class really isn’t too difficult.  Within 46 chapter quizzes, I found time to watch about 3 movies on HBO this weekend: The Last Mimsy, Confirmation, and season 5 of Veep.

Kerry Washington received an Emmy nomination for her portrayal of Anita Hill which prompted me to watch the film.  Yeah, she definitely deserved it.

Tuesday night I am going out with a couple of friends after the final to celebrate graduating EMT school and on Wednesday I will be going downtown for wine night.

Following that I will be taking a trip to visit my best friend who invited me on his business trip to Atlanta.  When he first asked me, my automatic response was, “I can’t.  I have to study.”  But I caught myself.  For the first time in 23 years, I don’t have to worry about school or completing an assignment.  I’ve also never had a friend invite me like this on a trip.  It’s so…spur of the moment.  I feel like an adult for the first fucking time in my life.

I really need this.  Tuesday needs to come and go as quickly as the last 3 months have.  My brain needs to take a break…one that lasts more than just a weekend.

I am ready to close this chapter of my life.

 

Is This Real Life Right Now?

The party was more of a get-together.  It consisted of me and a friend of mine with about three or four more people I didn’t know.  The house was built like one of those houses in a reality TV show where there’s more than one bed per room and some of the bathrooms are shared.  The wooden table, host to bottles of vodka and hard liquor, was the hub of conversation.  Everyone was sitting and standing around it while they conversed about their lives, jobs, and relationships.  

There was a guy there.  Sitting at the corner seat.  He wasn’t thin, a bit heavier but still attractive.  He looked like someone you can snuggle up to.  Someone who can wrap his arms around you and you’re enveloped in the presence of another person.  A couple of minutes passed and we started talking, nothing too serious.  

As the night went on, I noticed there was a mutual attraction between the two of us.  He looked good.  Very good.  He had this confidence about him.  He looked at me from across the room and waved me over.  I walked over, slowly so as to not trip and fall from my drunken stupor.

“I want to fuck you,” he said.  

“What?” I replied.  Not sure of what I had just heard.  This is the first time anyone had ever said anything like that to me.  “Yes,” I continued.   At this point, I was really drunk…which would explain my hesitation to answer.  

He took my hand, his drink in the other, and led me down the hallway to his room.  His roommate was still at the party unaware of what we were going to do.  

~~~

I woke up, without any memory of what transpired the night before.  I knew where I was and who everyone was, but not exactly what happened.  I knew I agreed to have sex with someone, that’s not the issue, but I didn’t remember the actual experience.  It was my first time having sex and I didn’t remember it.  I screwed up.  

Immediately, I saw the guy walking around and after some thought I asked him, “What happened last night?”  

“We had sex.  Don’t worry, dude.  It was great.  We both had a good time.”

I know I didn’t remember it and I know I totally wanted to have sex with him, it just sucks that I didn’t remember it.  Looking at him, though, made me horny.  Really horny.  I kept wanting to go down on him.  It’s all I could think about.  My hand kept gravitating towards his dick, but he didn’t want to have sex again.  

“We had a good time last night, but not right now.”  

“Of course,” I said.  At first I thought he was being an ass.  But in truth, he wasn’t.  He seemed like a nice enough guy.  He just wanted to chill.  But I felt like the crazy person who falls in love after just one exhibition of affection.  I kept thinking about him.  Nonstop.  I wanted him again.  Even though I didn’t remember what happened, I wanted someone to love me again.  In one word: obsession.

~~~

I looked at my phone, 8:41.   A sense of reality hit me like a ton of bricks.  The reality I live in is nothing like what I just experienced.  Time for another day.

 

The Game I Play

Let me start off by saying, yes, I am thirsty.  As thirsty as they come.  Seeing as how I have never been in a relationship, let alone had sex, my expectations for both are sky high.  These expectations are inspired from relationships I have witnessed firsthand and from those seen in the media.  I know, it’s not the best way to form opinions, but what else do I have?

Because my imagination has no comparative reality, it automatically leaps to the farthest extreme possible.  It creates a reality of its own.  Forming a world and filling the void with the faces I pass by every day.  Not all faces, just some.  In other words, my mind creates a game.

The game is essentially choosing who I would have sex with based solely off their appearance.  Shallow, I know, but I’ve reached the conclusion that I’m hopeless.

For example, as I write this, a guy is walking around trying to find a room or something.  Medium height, very tan, robust chin.  Yes.  Call me, beep me if you wanna reach me.

Earlier today, there were two other guys I walked by that I would could see myself having relations with.  There’s a scale, you see.  The people I would probably be attracted to once we got to know each other, those I would sleep with after meeting at a bar or something, and those that can take me, no questions asked.   The last of the three seldom comes along,  but when they do…anytime, anywhere.

Am I the only one that does this?  Picks and chooses people I would sleep with given the chance.  Not to have casual sex, per se.  But, like, “Damn, if I had the opportunity I would grab it with both hands 😉