I’ve Deviated

Thinking back to how I used to post and comparing it with how I write now, you could say I am a little disappointed.  Not because of the quality of writing, which I think has remained unchanged, but what I am writing about.

Most blogs I read have interesting lives and boyfriends to speak about.  I don’t. I am perpetually stuck in a state of indecision and living a double life.  This is the first time I have ever said it aloud.  Living a double life.

I suppose it’s true because no one, except for my best friend, knows about my blog (she doesn’t even know what I write about).  My readers have delved into a portion of my psyche unbeknownst to those actually living with me.

Since the direction my writing has taken has proved fruitless, I will begin to focus more on my thoughts and feelings.  Not daily, filtered emotions; but raw, untarnished sentiments that creep their way into my mind and body.

I don’t wish to stop writing altogether, as doing so helps me compartmentalize my irrational notions.  The lack of responses from others, without wanting to sound needy, has shown me I have much more work to do in order to relate to my readers.

This is not to say that I am unhappy with the level of “likes” I have received, in fact, it’s the opposite: I know what works and what doesn’t.

Hopefully, I can grow as a writer in order to achieve what I seek and fulfill my insatiable need to solidify ideas, even if in the deep void of the internet.

continue writing


4 thoughts on “I’ve Deviated

  1. I lived a double life for so long… It was much easier for me to choose my path however, because I never found Christ no matter how hard I searched. Choosing to stop the search, and focus on my happiness for a change, was the best choice I have ever made. Searching for Christ caused depression, resentment, heartache, and many other negative side effects. Since I gave up and met my boyfriend I am happy, excited, fulfilled, content, etc. I know you are in a different place than I was, because you can feel the Lord’s presence in your life. Maybe you can pray to him and he can help you with the double life issue, if it is problematic to you.

    In regards to your writing, I have always enjoyed what you have to say! I got excited every time you posted about a new man, and was also eager to read posts about school, plans, etc. No matter what you write, I’ll be reading!

    Be you, COoMC! You seem like a great guy!



  2. Thanks for the support. I wasn’t sure if i was losing the core group of my readers.

    I was hesitant to say that I am living a double life only because I don’t actually do anything that deviates from my personality. I suppose you could say my double life is online, although not in the mainstream definition.

    In terms of praying to solve this issue, it isn’t an issue for me to solve. I know what I am supposed to do already, but whether I do it or not is the reason why I’m stuck between two roads. This is something I have to decide for myself because, as humans, we have the best and worst gift we could ever receive: free will.


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